Defeat is your own

Defeat is your own
What is wrong with me? I have the urge to kill. I am a normal human being no better or worse than anyone else. I did not earn a purple heart or a brawns star while I served the greatest nation in the USMC. Other Marines were on the front lines as 0311’s killing and maiming everything near them. I was in the Marine Air wing never firing my m-16 to kill others that I saw. My only kill came in hand-to-hand combat deep in the bush of Cambodia while American Advisor on Thai convoy. I lived through two Vietnam offensives in support but the nearest I got (enemy mortar destroying the crapper that I just left and sniper fire while I repaired runway gear) to get the support fighters up. How do I justify calling my self a US Marine? What is wrong with me?
I forget where I have been as a US Marine. Then a word or image triggers thoughts deep in the bush trying to survive everything that I do not understand. I have no right to even be alive for all others did far more than I and did not come back alive. My head is caught between the no memory from the TBI and the recurring thoughts of the PTSD of the lonely dark hours of waiting. I remember not being able to trust anyone if live was my goal. Lying in the ditch waiting for the gooks to pass just to continue on with a convoy for what, to being surplus supplies to a friendly camp three to five days out in the bush. No person with me or at the base camp spoke a language that I did and I traveled, lived with and slept for days at a time just waiting to die just to understand. Live and death what does it matter the people back in the world hate us for what we are doing. What are we doing here, I got to get out of this place is blaring on arm forces radio as if to reinforce no purpose to life exists. What is wrong with me when my words are like the hollow echo that makes no sound?
Defeat comes from a weak mind as if the mental stability exists in citizens killing others to stop them from killing us. Will my urge pass as the reality may start to make since for defeat is your own. They call me a US Marine at home as people thank me and shake my hand then spit on me with the words “baby killer” as the newspapers censor our words to protect the public from such mentally unstable citizens. What is wrong with me is just a hollow echo unheard by normal human beings as if never to come back from deep in the bush?
Peter Macdonald Sgt USMC Semper Fi
465 Packers falls rd Lee NH 03824 603-659-6217